Photo by Marcela Laskoski on Unsplash
2022 was a miserable year for the Hot 100. Note I didn’t say “bad”. Don’t get me wrong, I was tempted to call this year a complete write off due to the lack of turnover, and the fact that the year was dominated in part by a Disney soundtrack before Harry Styles would gain a stranglehold on the number one for months, but given that the industry is currently in recovery post-COVID, it at least makes sense why we had the year that we had. That doesn’t mean to say that the charts were completely devoid of rising stars, but those who do fit into that category are either blatant rip offs of other more well-established acts, or blatantly never going to have another hit, with a couple of them even landing on this list.
But did this make the year bad as a whole? Well… not really? 2022 as a year seemed to default to mediocrity rather than awfulness more often than not, leaving me with a scant shortlist of songs to choose from for both my best and worst list. With so little turnover, there weren’t many amazing hit songs that rose to the top, but equally there weren’t many stinkers that really stuck around either. Again, the year was more stagnant than anything.
As for the rules, only songs that debuted on the 2022 Billboard Year End Hot 100 are legible for this list. We are not talking about minor hits here, only the big ones. So, without any further delay… let’s get started.
NUMBER 10
I almost didn’t want to put this song here. When songs from genres I’m not as familiar with chart on the Hot 100 it can kind of feel like I’m on the outside looking in. The amount of interchangeable reggaeton from Bad Bunny this year gave me the exact same problem. Most of the time, I want to put in the effort to learn about the genres before I attempt to enjoy something new. I decided to make an exception here, and based on the song and what it’s associated with, I don’t think anyone can blame me.
#10. JNR Choi & Sam Tompkins – TO THE MOON
You know how I said how most of the rising stars in 2022 are unlikely to be able to capture that magic again… well, this is exabit A. Jnr Choi is a Gambian born drill rapper, and this song features a sample of a mediocre cover by Sam Tompkins of Bruno Mars’ ‘Talking To The Moon’ that he did as part of a TikTok challenge. If that doesn’t tell you how disposable this is, then I don’t know what will. The song somehow stuck around on the charts just enough to scrape the very bottom of the Year End Hot 100 thanks to going viral on TikTok.
Like Sam Tompkins, JNR Choi is a complete non presence who mumbles his hook into incomprehensibility and repeats his bars constantly to fill up space. If that wasn’t bad enough, the beat is this ugly murk where any melody in the sample is drowned out that does not evolve, and also feels oddly dark and menacing for a song that’s all about preparing to and then having sex with a woman. If the goal was to make JRN Choi appear remotely imposing or sexually intense it doesn’t work because he’s too muted a presence to sell it with any conviction. It certainly doesn’t sound like he’s enjoying the sex he’s having.
But even with all of that it could have probably missed this list for just being painfully forgettable, but doing some research revealed that the phrase ‘to the moon’ is linked to cryptocurrency and NFTs and is used to express hope for souring valuations. If there’s anything positive to take from this song, it would be that crypto has been falling into a death spiral, and hopefully it will result in less mind numbing pablum like this charting in the future. This isn’t going to the moon. It isn’t going anywhere.
NUMBER 9
And on the topic of songs that might seem to disposably mediocre to put on a worst list but nonetheless grated on my nerves in record time…
#9. Parmalee – Take My Name
I think Parmalee might be the most baffling band in mainstream music right now. Can country radio seriously find nothing more interesting than this to put on the airways? Regardless of that, Parmalee are a country band from North Carolina that have been around for over 20 years, but after an initial wave of success in the early to mid 2010s, they were given a second wind on country radio in 2021 with ‘Just The Way,’ and that lazy pass seems to have translated to this year too as they deliver another utterly saccharine slice of boyfriend country that Brett Young and Dan + Shay would find beneath them.
The beyond basic composition and structure, the cadence on the hook that more closely resembles a nursery rhyme than a professionally written song, the lazy songwriting that defaults to cliché, all of these would be reasons to dislike this song, but what really annoys me is the central premise: Matt Thomas repeatedly using the phrase “take my name” to describe what he wants from this relationship. Do you think he knows the patriarchal roots of that particular tradition? Of course he doesn’t. Do you think he knows that it’s the woman’s choice whether or not she takes the husbands name or not? Again, of course not.
The result is a song that’s way pushier than it should be on top of the mushy boyfriend country platitudes that you would expect. Also, this was the number one song on the Billboard Country Airplay Year End Chart for 2022. We don’t need these guys to stick around.
NUMBER 8
I said it when I reviewed the album and I’ll say it again: Honestly, Nevermind by Drake was bad. One of my biggest frustrations with it was now it exposed Drake’s hypocrisy in relationships, as well as his willingness to place all the blame entirely on the women in his life when the hook ups don’t sprout into more. But if that was where Drake’s hypocrisy ended that would be one thing, but once you get to the end of the project, you realise it’s much worse than just that.
#8. Drake & 21 Savage – Jimmy Cooks
Drake and 21 Savage are two of the most worthless rappers working in the mainstream today. When they’re not plumbing new depths of banality, they’re making some of the most baffling hip-hop you are likely to hear. For a great example, take this song, the closing track from Honestly, Nevermind, and the song where Drake gives up on his house experiment to retreat back into flat braggadociousness that’s so boring and recycled that I’m stuck relying on 21 Savage for any kind of spark that could elevate this. Obviously, that doesn’t come. He starts his verse by calling me a pussy before shooting people with a gun that he claims to “molest” people with. Comparing your gun to someone who sexually abuses children feels like a new low even for these two.
It’s not like Drake’s fairs much better. He spends his verse claiming that he doesn’t stress about women despite doing exactly that one song earlier on the album, claiming other people are the ones who are being fake, and urging his haters to come forward and say something to his face.
The obvious irony of this is that Drake can’t even follow his own advice. For an album as vapid, misogynistic and void of substance to end in this way screams of insecurity on the part of Drake and his handlers. He’s inviting his haters to come forward, but given the amount of non-effort on display here (and on the entire album), I don’t know what he wants from them. Also, if you’re itching for a fight as much as Drake is, you’ve got to actually be able to take it. Given what Drake has shown us over the past few years, I highly doubt he’s got the balls to follow through on any attack that might come his way. He’s way more comfortable retreating into his millions and making the most insipid rap music imaginable. Disgusting. We can stop giving Drake hits any time now.
Number 7
And on the topic of people we need to stop giving hits to right now…
#7. Imagine Dragons X JID – Enemy
You know when I said Parmalee were the most baffeling band in mainstream music… well, I stand corrected. In today’s musical climate, the success of Imagine Dragons is just downright confusing. Their mediocre, hookless shlock that more greatly resembles corporate product than music should not be allowed within a fifty-mile radius of any radio station. And yet, Dan Raynolds and co managed to cobble together a soundtrack hit for the cartoon based on League of Legends (of all fucking things) that somehow became one of their biggest ever hits. We truly do live in the worst timeline.
Dan Raynold’s forced over singing makes me want to put my head through the nearest brick wall, the lumbering percussion over melody pop formula would have sounded dated in 2015, and the opening line of the hook is literally “oh the misery,” effectively writing my punchline for me. Dan Raynolds didn’t have to remind me what the experience of listening to his music is like on the chorus of this song, but it’s certainly nice that he did (and if you can’t detect the sarcasm, I don’t know what to tell you). It becomes up to JID to save the song, but unfortunately his verse defaults to a lot of the same bland self-pity that fills the rest of this trash fire, only with a slightly less obnoxious delivery.
This is a band who have set the bar so low for themselves over the course of their career, and yet have consistently failed to deliver even to that standard. Imagine Dragon’s fifteen minutes should have run out a long time ago. Let’s make sure these hacks never have another hit, if only to save my sanity.
NUMBER 6
For the most part on this list, I feel like I’ve gone for a lot of easy picks. With one exception that we will get to later on, a lot of my picks are songs that I know are not widely liked. This song is particularly despised for being the artist’s follow up to one of the worst “country” songs of recent memory, and if you saw my review of his album, you already know who it is.
#6. Walker Hayes – AA
Imagine being a producer, making this song, and then saying to yourself “yep, job well done, this definitely sounds like a finished song fit for public consumption.” Just imagine that. ‘AA’ is the kind of song that genuinely makes me wonder if Walker Hayes’ entire career is just a terrible joke at his expense that he’s not in on. Honestly, I wouldn’t even be surprised if that turned out to be true, mainly because Hayes is responsible for some of the most excruciating country music of recent memory.
For one, the song sounds unbearably clunky without any stable groove in sight, but the bigger problem is that it’s trying to frame Walker Hayes as another American father trying to coast through life with his family, an archetype that’s completely at odds with his last hit ‘Fancy Like’, a song that lived and breathed corporate plasticity, and exposed the Walker Hayes brand as being just as vapid and acquisitive as any other on music row. So, which is it Walker Hayes? Are you an everyman or not?
Obviously his record label want it both ways, and the result is one chore of a song. This track’s only success is being inoffensive enough so somehow get mainstream appeal. If all of that’s not enough to call Walker Hayes one of the most unlikable people in mainstream music, I don’t know what is. Let’s leave this crap behind.
NUMBER 5
But while some songs on this list lean on forgettable mediocrity, some leave a more lasting impression. Either way, I was looking for every reason to leave this song in particular off my list. It almost feels like cheating putting it here. But, then again, I’m rarely one to back down when there’s an easy target on the chopping block, so let’s deal with it.
#5. Sam Smith & Kim Petras – Unholy
Sam Smith and Kim Petras are the first trans people in history to take the number one on the Bilboard Hot 100. This should have been a joyous occasion, and yet I couldn’t bring myself to celebrate because this song might be one of the most perplexing number one hits of my lifetime. Credit to Sam Smith and Kim Petras for trying something different, but the stiff atonal clank of the beat, the horrendous lumbering bass line, and Sam Smith singing about how that protagonist has “left his kids at ho-ee-oh-ee-ome,” does more than enough to send this crashing into awful territory.
But just when you didn’t think the song could get any more juvenile, Kim Petras turns up to rhyme “addy” with “daddy”, “rodeo” with “A.M.”, and “covered” with “covers”, all on a verse where she says she “never cause[s] no drama”; given that she’s defended alleged rapist and collaborating producer Dr. Luke, I highly fucking doubt that’s true. But all of that obscures the much bigger problem with ‘Unholy’, and that’s that the narrative is so thinly sketched. Some man cheats on their wife with a prostitute over production that sounds like if Taylor Swift tried to make ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ in 2022 and somehow worse.
I might not even dislike it if it wasn’t so obvious that we’re supposed to take this basic underwritten trainwreck even remotely seriously. It’s borderline anti-music, where if Sam Smith was trying to commit career suicide, I would say he did a good job. It didn’t end up working though, and instead people ended up buying it. I really hope that record labels don’t try to pounce at this opportunity and start putting money behind more utter garbage that sounds like this. This was a one-of-a-kind number one. I think it would be best if it stayed that way. This unholy abomination should never have seen the light of day.
NUMBER 4
I thought this song was going to be way higher on my list than number four. If anything, it’d be a pretty easy pick for number one given the artist, subject matter and context that clouds this song. I don’t really know what to tell you, it just got pushed back by a couple of other songs, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to let it off easy.
#4. Lil Durk & Morgan Wallen – Broadway Girls
This should never have been released. Fuck, this never have been made. If you ever find yourself trying to hook up at a party without any success, then here’s some advice FUCKING LEAVE. Don’t use it as an excuse to make a skeevy, presumptive, borderline misogynistic “party” song bragging about all the sex you are NOT getting from these women. What is wrong with you Morgan Wallen? Especially as his braying obnoxiousness does not convey the swagger and confidence he thinks it does, it’s just really grating. Lil Durk might fair slightly better on his verse, but he still includes the detail how these women like P!nk and apparently not rap music. How is that relevant exactly?
I guess if there was a reason why this song slipped off the top of the list it would be that it doesn’t sound as bad as some other songs later on this list, but it’s still pretty terrible. Wallen’s voice just doesn’t blend well with the frail crack of the beat and barely audible guitars. Not to mention, he has no convincing interplay with Lil Durk, which only serves to add to how calculated the whole affair feels. These are two artists who were unceremoniously plonked together for the mutual benefit of the labels. That must be Lil Durk raps with the intensity of a freestyler with a gun to their head.
And that’s the ugly truth about ‘Broadway Girls’. Its success was a signal to the whole industry that the audience had given Morgan Wallen the pass that he didn’t disserve. Imagine if this flopped. It probably would have spelled the end of Morgan Wallen’s career, but no. Instead, it became Lil Durk’s biggest ever hit as a lead artist, and an excuse for the music industry to keep enabling Morgan Wallen like he never used a racist slur to begin with. It might not be my number one, but if I was ranking these songs by who purely reprehensible they are, then there is no doubt in my mind that this would be number one. Absolutely fucking disgusting.
NUMBER 3
Sometimes, like with the last song, the awfulness is obvious. But my number three pick was a case where it ate at my conscience over the course of the year, eventually revealing itself to be truly terrible. It might not be what people expect, but it certainly belongs here, at least in my view.
#3. Dove Cameron – Boyfriend
If you’re looking at the rising starts coming out of 2022, I don’t know how you can listen to Dove Cameron and put her anywhere other than the bottom of the pile. Say what you want about Olivia Rodrigo, at least her music has stakes and drama to it that was matched by the performance. Meanwhile, Dove Cameron takes her reputation era Taylor Swift rip off, marries it to a bad, overblown Billie Eilish imitation, and puts it through the meatgrinder of warping, synthetic buzz, to the point where the hook is all smoulder and no groove and it sounds horrendous, not to mention delivering the closing line “plus all my clothes would fit” with the kind of breathy obnoxiousness that makes me want to set the nearest object on fire.
But the truth is I don’t even need to go that far to explain why this song is terrible; in the pre-chorus Dove Cameron starts touching this woman without her permission and grabbing her wrist. She is twenty-six years old. She should know that’s not okay. But what about the premise? Well, Dove Cameron finds herself alone with a woman at a party whose boyfriend has left, and in her delusions of grandeur makes the bold claim “I could be a better boyfriend than him”. For however much I was initially tempted to give Dove Cameron a pass for her willingness to delve into queer subject matter, further examination reveals that she’s still defaulting to cishetronormative gender roles by describing herself as the “man” in this hypothetical relationship. It was at that point I realised that this is the safest expression of queerness imaginable, and one that falls very comfortably within the boundaries set out by the patriarchy. It reads like a straight white cis girl trying to appropriate the language of bisexuality for the cred and cheap fetishism. And Dove Cameron is trying so hard to come across as imposing its borderline pitiful. This song wants you to take it seriously, but it’s absolutely impossible to with Cameron sounding like she believes her own hype way too much.
Really, this is only the slightly more tolerable version of Shawn Mendes’ ‘Treat You Better’, but at least ‘Treat You Better’ attempted to hide it’s dickishness. ‘Boyfriend’ makes no such attempt, and combined with the complete waste of a premise that could have at least been interesting, the song becomes vile right down to its very core. A truly reprehensible piece of music.
NUMBER 2
I’m not going to give this song much of my time. Let’s just breeze through it.
#2. Kodak Black – Super Gremlin
Honestly, I don’t even know what you want from me with this one. Kodak Black is just being Kodak Black, what more do you want me to say? He’s one of the most repugnant people in the music industry, was convicted of assault in 2021, but him and his influence have continued to plague the Hot 100 for the past year, with ‘Super Gremlin’ being his latest hit that none of us wanted or needed.
There’s no melody outside the sample, Kodak Black’s lazy flow carries no intensity at all, and for a song about people turning against him, he frames himself as remarkably unsympathetic as he raps about killing people amidst ablest slurs and shit jokes. Seriously, Kodak Black raps about shit so much you’d think he hjas a fetish. That would at least make this interesting. The production is also complete shit: the musical equivalent of a creaky floorboard that, try as you might, you can never fucking fix and never goes away with the drippy pianos and awkwardly stiff snare beat that only emphasises how sloppy Kodak’s flow really is in contrast.
And that’s about all the time I’m willing to give this. In 2023 could we do everyone a favour and stop enabling terrible people who show no remorse for what they’ve done? And that takes us seamlessly on to…
NUMBER 1
I think a lot of people are going to feel like this is an anti-climax. There were many easier picks for this slot that I could have given it to, but in terms of pure rage, nothing quite matched listening to this song for the first time in 2022. The subtext a lot of this list has been industry enablement, where bad people (or people with terrible ideas) have been propped up by the labels for cheap virality and no other reason, and no one in 2022 was more emblematic of that than…
#1. Morgan Wallen – You Proof
This song was the moment when Morgan Wallen slipped from unlikable to downright incompetent for me, effectively confirming all of our worst suspicions about him as a person, and exposing them for all to see. On ‘You Proof’, Morgan Wallen finds himself in post-breakup meltdown mode, but instead of confronting his feelings and moving forward like an adult, he retreats inward into the alcohol for one of the ugliest breakup songs he’s ever made. Not really a problem on the surface, after all there should be a place for ugly unflattering emotions in country music. The problem is the execution. The jaunty guitars and snap beat that open the song clearly have potential, but by the hook the song collapses into this galumphing trap infused beat where the hazy guitars that are more atmosphere than tune are the least emphasised thing in the mix. Without any coherent transition or dynamics it sounds borderline unfinished. Walker Hayes would laugh this out of the room.
And just when you think that Morgan Wallen’s mugging delivery is the worst thing about it, you realise the contradiction at the songs core that pushes my reaction from frustration to fury. For however much Morgan Wallen wanted to blame his racist outburst that got him cancelled on social media on his drunkenness, the fact that he’s already drowning in alcohol on a song that reeks of smug complacency is genuinely infuriating. Not only does he show no willingness to reflect or take any responsibility of his actions, but it’s revealing of how his handlers are content to just brush his racism under the rug and let him default back to barroom misery without so much as an acknowledgement of what he did and the damage he caused. The fact that he was able to do this sounding as sneering and self satisfied as he does on this song is revealing of the immense privilege on display. And then you get to the fact that he released this song on his 29th birthday. This was the song that he wanted people to associate with getting older and growing up. HOW THE FUCK DID HIS PR TEAM MISHANDLE THIS SO BADLY?!
And don’t even think about giving me that “separate the art from the artist” bullshit. That is a cheap veneer that even the most deluded of pop fans are capable of seeing through, and just demonstrates how little people actually want to engage in this conversation, especially if it challenges their established and rigid viewpoint. But even if you did manage to divorce ‘You Proof’ from all that baggage, would there be any enjoyment to be found from a song this disjointed and lethargic? Obviously not. There are some things and some people we don’t need to take forward into 2023, and while this list has touched on a lot of them, Morgan Wallen should be at the very top. There’s no excuse for this.